Moora

This song has been my company since I left home. And it’s been two years it’s with me. Listening to the song won’t heal or solve anything, but it just accompanies me as a friend that never existed. Honestly, the song doesn’t even consist of inspirational lyrics, I think that’s the reason it’s so close to heart. Very ordinary, but something special that holds, and keeps playing on loop.

So, tonight is an occasion of listening to Moora. Finally moved, moved out and moved on. I was stuck in somewhere. I still am. Couldn’t think, couldn’t work, couldn’t move. It’s been difficult to even survive. It still is. But at least there’s Moora with me. Such a lame line to write.

Moving out for the forth consecutive time is so freaking tough. You become calculative. You think of money first. You also know about essentials, and importance of self cleaning, self cooking. You think like your parents, like you never had any. You know everything, but saala ab kaun itni mehnat karein. Kaun phir se flat dhundh kar gharwalon ko bole ki main jaa rahi hun, phir se.

Still moved out. Damn tired by all the packing stuff, moving stuff, stuffing stuffs, and of course dealing with the unorganised chaos. Whole body is paining because of the one day effort. It’s feeling like a one day trek. Whole day you are enthusiast about the view at peak, and in the end of the day, you are in pain, and abusing yourself for taking the decision at first place. But hey, you’ll still upload those photos on social media.

Though I made everything to move out, I still am not really happy this time. I don’t know. Something is missing. Maybe the first time wali energy. Maybe the kuch kar dikhane wala housala. Sab to ho gaya hai. Ab karna kya hai is the missing part. I have to search a new milestone to achieve in this time of move out. Money is definitely not the one. Maybe the better position in career. Or maybe something new to do.

Startey brainwa re moora
Charhe trainwa re moora
Naahin pagla re bann
Act sanewa re moora

The Crime

The feeling when you compare your productivity, curiosity and energy with yourself. Missing the beautiful days when my mind used to be so much active, and wanted to do something or other every second. Now I am just getting tired by doing bare minimum. I miss the energy. I miss the curious mind. How it used to just hunt something interesting to do. I am also tired of being this unproductive. It’s been months now. I already have a project in hand. Working on the same. But that just doesn’t satisfy me anymore. It’s just an earning source. I do have a lot of ideas to create, to present, to strategise, to execute. But I am just not able to express it to myself.

I feel like I am getting late to catch the train
Just half a minute late
I am running,
Checking the time,
Moving everyone aside with the hardest abuses

I am just there at the platform.
The train is in front of me,
Standing steady,
Without any crowd,
And I am still not able to catch it.

A lady stares at me
While hanging at the door
And I am just looking at her
Thinking of her gender
Her hanging boobs looks perfect
For her to be a lady.

And another woman in saree
Catches me staring at the boobs
With her big maroon bindi
While selling Bakarwadi and Butter Chakli
Takes a Sur in Indian Classical
Aye Butter Chakli, Bakarwadi, Diet Chivdaaaaa.

Now a girl in baby pink gives an eye
With her fish eyed dark eye liner
While giving a phone kiss to her boyfriend
Muaahhhhh
She moves her lips as I catch her red handed.

Train moves
Everyone looks at me at once
The hijada
The hawker
The lover
Like a criminal
Who waited for her lifetime
And still didn’t catch the train.

The Break

It’s been more than 3 months of my so-called break from work. Still trying to work since 1 and a half month. Desperately trying to just be productive. I am not able to think, to read or even travel for a while. I can’t stay focused on a single thing. I sometimes think, हे नेहमी असंच होतं का? की मी एक गोष्ट भारी झाली की लगेच त्यातून मूव्ह ऑन करून दुसरी आणखी भारी गोष्ट करायला लागायचे. पण आता एकही गोष्ट धड होत नाहीये.

Recently, I was going through my 4-5 years old laptop as I had to erase or shift all the data to sell it out. And after scrolling through hundreds and thousands of graphic designs, video cuts and excel sheets, I found the sticky notes, where all my 'To Dos' and ‘To Delegates’ were stored. So many random ideas, random tasks, and some details that were so funny to read now. Some work got deleted, or just the first draft of some campaigns was written in just 3 words. Lol. Some random contact numbers with random names I had to call or random numbers of targets never achieved. I couldn't even remember a lot of it. I am short of memory.

 

 This is me at my actual first favourite job. Those were the election days.

After escaping from my previous job, I had not updated my master resume or work profile. I still did not do that. But the other day, someone wanted me to recall a few case studies of my work, and I was amazed by myself that I have so many good outcomes. Personal branding, organisational branding, organisational management, HR management stuff, so many campaigns, branding & marketing in a sector I have no idea about, nice articles, cool speeches, some journalistic approach of research, and a real election. Adding to all this, communicating with so many people! आता एकापेक्षा जास्त माणसं समोर आली तर सहनही होत नाही.

In both the incidents, the first thing I uttered was, “साला खूप काम केलंय मी!” And the very next sentence was, “मग आत्ता का होत नाहीये? All this was a few years or months ago!” Of course, I didn’t get the answer by just realising how much I have worked for 5 years. It was never the goal. I had never imagined going this far or working in the first place. I have a family that takes loads of loans for a so-called wedding. And that’s probably the reason I was running behind money, not the great hustle of work and satisfaction. Yes, it was always the chase for significant income, but not the extraordinary work. Though I was doing better work like management, without a management degree. I never realised the skills. And now that I want to work and be productive at something, the mind full of money asks, “How will you earn money? Don’t you want to move out like a bitch in peace, order loads of pizzas for your nephews, and be a cooler aunt?”

Ever since I realised my childhood trauma and adulthood response, I am going through this 'money can’t buy happiness, but I also want to survive' phase. I do understand that this phase will not end without effort. It will take time and lots of tolerance. But I still have faith in my survival instincts. So I tell my money mind when it tries to overpower me, “Earning the respect of your family will be a lifetime chase. Just drop it like you dropped your dreams in your early 20s. Focus on your productivity, and earn money for the comfort.”