The Break

It’s been more than 3 months of my so-called break from work. Still trying to work since 1 and a half month. Desperately trying to just be productive. I am not able to think, to read or even travel for a while. I can’t stay focused on a single thing. I sometimes think, हे नेहमी असंच होतं का? की मी एक गोष्ट भारी झाली की लगेच त्यातून मूव्ह ऑन करून दुसरी आणखी भारी गोष्ट करायला लागायचे. पण आता एकही गोष्ट धड होत नाहीये.

Recently, I was going through my 4-5 years old laptop as I had to erase or shift all the data to sell it out. And after scrolling through hundreds and thousands of graphic designs, video cuts and excel sheets, I found the sticky notes, where all my 'To Dos' and ‘To Delegates’ were stored. So many random ideas, random tasks, and some details that were so funny to read now. Some work got deleted, or just the first draft of some campaigns was written in just 3 words. Lol. Some random contact numbers with random names I had to call or random numbers of targets never achieved. I couldn't even remember a lot of it. I am short of memory.

 

 This is me at my actual first favourite job. Those were the election days.

After escaping from my previous job, I had not updated my master resume or work profile. I still did not do that. But the other day, someone wanted me to recall a few case studies of my work, and I was amazed by myself that I have so many good outcomes. Personal branding, organisational branding, organisational management, HR management stuff, so many campaigns, branding & marketing in a sector I have no idea about, nice articles, cool speeches, some journalistic approach of research, and a real election. Adding to all this, communicating with so many people! आता एकापेक्षा जास्त माणसं समोर आली तर सहनही होत नाही.

In both the incidents, the first thing I uttered was, “साला खूप काम केलंय मी!” And the very next sentence was, “मग आत्ता का होत नाहीये? All this was a few years or months ago!” Of course, I didn’t get the answer by just realising how much I have worked for 5 years. It was never the goal. I had never imagined going this far or working in the first place. I have a family that takes loads of loans for a so-called wedding. And that’s probably the reason I was running behind money, not the great hustle of work and satisfaction. Yes, it was always the chase for significant income, but not the extraordinary work. Though I was doing better work like management, without a management degree. I never realised the skills. And now that I want to work and be productive at something, the mind full of money asks, “How will you earn money? Don’t you want to move out like a bitch in peace, order loads of pizzas for your nephews, and be a cooler aunt?”

Ever since I realised my childhood trauma and adulthood response, I am going through this 'money can’t buy happiness, but I also want to survive' phase. I do understand that this phase will not end without effort. It will take time and lots of tolerance. But I still have faith in my survival instincts. So I tell my money mind when it tries to overpower me, “Earning the respect of your family will be a lifetime chase. Just drop it like you dropped your dreams in your early 20s. Focus on your productivity, and earn money for the comfort.”